(DANNY DEALEY and SHE are sitting across from one another at a table)

SHE

You come very highly recommended, Mr. Dealey. We so hope that you can help us.

DANNY DEALEY

I can help just about anyone sell just about anything.   It’s a gift, really. A gift I am happy to share with others.

SHE

How marvelous.   And I’m really eager to hear your pitch, because, well, a lot of marketers we’ve approached have….er….. difficulty getting their hands around this product.

DANNY DEALEY

That’s shocking. I can’t imagine someone who wouldn’t want to market your product.   We can making a killing.

SHE

Really?

DANNY DEALEY

This will be like a toaster, a vacuum cleaner, even a fire extinguisher.   No home will be without one.

SHE

Every home?

DANNY DEALEY

More than just a home. Everyone will want one: Joggers, hikers, people with irrational fear of animals. Did you know that my research shows that over 87% of people would use your product on a chihauhua

SHE

A chihauhua?

DANNY DEALEY

It might be closer to 98% if you don’t live in Mexico.

SHE

But I hadn’t really considered this device for use on……chihauhuas.

DANNY DEALEY

Well, it’s certainly not limited to chihuahuas. There are a number of other irrating dogs: dashchunds, schnauzers and small yapping terriers. I hate them.

SHE

You’d use it on people’s pets?

DANNY DEALEY

Well, yes. It’s here in your notes. You specifically referenced pets. (looks though emails on his smartphone)   Here it is: “can quickly eliminate household pets”.

SHE

Oh my, I fear that was a typo. I meant “pests”

DANNY DEALEY

No matter. Pests, pets……they are all the same. I ask you, what’s more irritating, a mouse or a dog that barks all night?

SHE

I’d not thought of it that way.  All of the other marketers have been so…………..

DANNY DEALEY

…..cautious? Of course. They just see lawsuits, haters, PETA and all of the other background noise of the Internet.   But, trust me, this could be big.

SHE

Well then, you are certainly thinking outside of the box.

DANNY DEALEY

That’s my gift. So here it is: I want to call it “The Assassinator”. Although I might call it the “Animal Assassinator”.   It’s catchier. We will make a killing.

SHE

The Animal Assassinator.   Hmm. That’s got a nice ring to it.

DANNY DEALEY

And we’ve got a competitive advantage over pellet guns, slingshots, spears, rat poison, glue boards, bats or pitchforks….your device kills almost instantly. Brilliant idea, using box jellyfish neurotoxins on the tip of your delivery vehicle. The target passes out from the pain even before it dies.

SHE

Yes, we got the idea while on a trip to Australia.

DANNY DEALEY

Sheer brilliance. I tried it on a raccoon which regularly rummages through my garbage bin.   It went down in seconds. And the mockingbird that taunts me every night….gone!

SHE

I’m glad you had success with it

DANNY DEALEY

Success!   It was better than success. It was great! I see an amazing video of common household pests being taken out by the Animal Assassinator.   Rats, mice, gophers, squirrels, barking dogs, feral cats, birds that poop on your patio, just bam, bam, bam. All gone in minutes. It’ll go viral!

SHE

I’m not sure how I feel about the barking dogs. It could be very controversial.

DANNY DEALEY

I hope it is controversial! I want PETA picketers. I want lawsuits….perhaps we’ll even file our own lawsuit against it. I want Internet blogs denouncing it. Bring it on……it’s all free advertisement for us.

SHE

Won’t people be reluctant to buy it with all of the controversy?

DANNY DEALEY

They’ll denounce it, but you better believe, they’ll buy it.   Because everyone has a barking dog near their house.

SHE

I thought that killing pets was illegal. Can we really use it on a neighbor’s dog?

DANNY DEALEY

Only if they have proof that you did it. There’ll be so many Animal Assassinators that no one will ever know it was you.   Every household will have one! The Animal Assassinator can be the next big thing.

SHE

I’m so pleased. Although I still am concerned that we might be viewed poorly for creating a device that kills people’s pets.

DANNY DEALEY

Oh, you’ll be pilloried. People will curse you.   You probably will lose most of your friends. You might not want to venture out of your house.   But you’ll make so much money, you can just buy new friends and hire people to do all of your errands so you don’t have to leave your mansion.   You’ll be rich beyond your imagination….hated, but rich.

SHE

I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable with the hated part. We have children, you know.

DANNY DEALEY

Send them to boarding school.   But you’ve got to be prepared to be tough. The Assassinator is not for sissies.   This is a hard-core product. It makes things happen.   It eliminates problems. It is SERIOUS stuff for seriously determined people.

SHE

Oh, but I thought………………

DANNY DEALEY

……that’s why you called me. I’ll do your thinking for you.

SHE

I suppose.

DANNY DEALEY

You suppose correctly.   Now, there is just the matter of my fees and we can get around to making you wildly rich beyond anything you can imagine.

SHE

We don’t have a lot of money, you know.

DANNY DEALEY

You will, my dear. We will make an absolute killing. I’m so sure about this product, that I’m ready to be your partner. I’ll give you 40% of all of the net proceeds.

SHE

40%?   I’m sorry.   You want to take over half of our profits?

DANNY DEALEY

Did I say 40%, I meant 50%. We’ll be equal partners.

SHE

That seems a bit steep.

DANNY DEALEY

Without me, your fancy rat trap will be viewed as a dangerous and inhumane device unfit for any home. With me, the Animal Assassinator will be a life-changing and life-improving device that no home can be without.   You make the choice.

SHE

Still, my husband and I had the idea.

DANNY DEALEY

Certainly, you had one idea. I have hundreds of them and they will all make the Assassinator a huge success. You should be relieved that I’m offering you half of the profits for your one idea.

SHE

We have the patent, you know.

DANNY DEALEY

I’ll reimburse you the patent costs. It’s the least I can do.

SHE

Well, I don’t know. We’ll have to think on this. 50% seems steep.

 DANNY DEALEY

Well, if you don’t think I’m right for the job, then you should probably use someone else.   There’s nothing wrong with a device that just kills rodents….other that it’s just been done to death.

SHE

We’ll have a mansion?

DANNY DEALEY

I guarantee it. And I’ll throw in an around-the-clock security detail. You’ll need it.

SHE

Safety is important. We have to think of the children.

DANNY DEALEY

Yes, there’s nothing more precious than children…..so long as they behave.

SHE

So long as they behave?

DANNY DEALEY

I’m just brainstorming now, but if….when….we are wildly successful, there may be some new markets into which we can expand. Diversification is key.

SHE

New markets?

DANNY DEALEY

Yes, imagine having an Assassinator for families that wish to rid themselves of unwanted or undeserving kids?  China would love it.

SHE

You’d have us killing children?

DANNY DEALEY

Only spoiled, ill-behaved ones.   With raising children being so expensive nowadays, can you really afford to send an undeserving child to school?

SHE

Oh my!

DANNY DEALEY

And what with the dysfunction of our justice system, we might even expand to undeserving people. You know: predators, pedophiles, politicians and extremely ungrateful and greedy people. We could call it the Abominable Assassinator. Or the Insufferable Assassinator, so that we could include certain dinner guests or the occasional insufferable in-law.

SHE

That’s a bit harsh, Mr. Dealey. I hadn’t imagined the Assassinator as, well, an Assassinator.

DANNY DEALEY

Funny, I thought the name was quite descriptive.   Fortunately, we don’t have to make any decisions on market expansion.   Let’s keep our focus on the Animal Assassinator for now.

SHE

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with all of this killing!

DANNY DEALEY

Of course.   I completely understand. But please keep in mind that there so much to kill and so little time.

(LIGHTS OUT)